Little White Lies

We all tell little white lies to our boss our neighbor and our spouces. But when it comes to lying to your spouce do little white lies end up in a giant marriage ruining snowball. I think so. Its even worse when you catch them in a lie, and it underminds everything. Marriage is suppose to be based on trust and love right. Well there is no trust in my relationship. To many white lies have ended up in a giant snow ball packed full of rocks that is getting ready for a landslide. That kind of kills the love. You can say I love you, but do you mean Im still in love with you? Its 2 different things. Perhaps if people would see what was right in front of them they would understand why someone did what they did. Open your eyes to what you have, and dont fucking blame me for all of it. Everyone can see it but you. Get the fuck over it or lets move on. No one is getting any younger here.

Things

I wonder why we collect the things that we do? For example some collect hats, others bottle caps, even dead animal heads to hang on their walls. Yuck. I collect 3 things, sea shells, fairies, and snow men. So what does our choice of collector items say about us and why are we compelled to collect such things. No im not a hoarder either. So perhaps in my mind i live in fantasy land by a beach. LOL. Just going threw my things that have been in boxes for a year or more and wondering why I had to have all these things? Do they make me any happier? NO, are they pretty to look at yes, but in truth in years from now when Im gone, they will not matter to anyone, they will be in a landfill somewhere or remain in a box in the attic somewhere, or broke by my children's, children. So why do we collect. Even the Egyptians did it, but at least when they were entombed their things got to be with them and they could spend eternity with their things.till they were robbed or excavated. Ive heard the saying over and over the more you own the more you are owned by the things you own. What about the people who collect animals and weird thing like potato chips that look like celebrities or past presidents, not thats freaky! Just wondering if all our life experiences have to do with what we collect, or if its ingrained into our DNA, like our eye color, or mood dispositions, or features. Is all this pre-planned before we even know it? I guess beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, to use an old cliche, but a true one.

Flaws

alway's its so easy to see your flaws, and harder to see the good. We all do it and we know we do it. Such negative self talk. Like im always thinking, Im not good enough. I need to lose a few pounds, Im not smart enough, I could be more involved with the kids, Im selfish, I want want want, Im old, not pretty enough. Sometimes thoughts like this are hard to overcome. What is all this positive self talk I keep hearing about. I know I think well at lest im a better mother then mine ever was, but then I think OMG that hag is raising my son, so how much better am I? I think there is a lot in my life that needs fixing. Yea I have Josh and the kids, but damn them all. If I had never had kids I wouldnt have to lose a few or be called selfish, and probably wouldnt feel so damn old. (or look it ) shhhh. I mean I love them dont get me wrong, and its them that I want to change for, or make the flaws I feel lesson, and yea I know im a little selfish, and I want want want for things I cant have, so its a work in progress. but when i ask myself what Im good at what is my talent, I draw a blank. Im different, not a cookie cutter of everyone else, like the mommy pow wow's at the school. Dont let me get started on that issue. But it seems that is bad. Ive always felt like I dont belong, always. Perhaps it's this town and the Wyoming mentality, but then again if i didnt have kids I wouldnt live here. So in that way Im not selfish, I wanted then to grow up in a safe envoronment, not that anywhere is safe, but at least its not like Colorado with millions of people. Im very liberal with my views and I try to pass that on to my kids. But then again is that a good thing. I dont believe in God but I tell them they can belive what ever they want. I dont know. Just rambling's and truthful thoughts. seems like people are afraid too speek the truth unless its on Craigs List and annoymous. Not me, I speek my mind, again is that a good thing??? I think I care too much or perhaps too litte about what others think of me. Not sure as you can tell, LOL.. I just always thought that by now Id have everyting figured out and be in that house of the hill. Have what I wanted. Guess the jokes on me. so now its be happy with what you do have, be thankful, be this be that. AHHHH! Why cant I just be me.. Whom ever that is, I havent seen her in years. sometimes it feels as if being married is like having parents all ove again. Be home at this hour, where you going, call me. UGH!!! But what if It was to all go away, then I guess Id really be bithing.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I do things I cant explain
even though they cause you pain

I saw you standing in the pouring rain
wondering why I have no shame

It is the darkness inside my soul
fueled by memories beyond my control

I could never learn to trust you, afraid to give you my heart
I knew sooner or later I would be left alone in the dark

I gave you all I could, even sacrificed my youth
all the while feeling as if all of this was not the truth

so now its time to say goodbye
watching the memories float up to the sky
please please please don't you cry
as i let out my final sigh
and slowly but painlessly lay down to die.

Nikki Debevec-Owens

Disconnected

Last weekend we went back to Casper because Josh had some work to do there. We all went and stayed at a Hotel. Jayden went to Darlen's house. The kids loved swimming, and I the hot tub, till I looked and realized how filthy it was. YUCK! So something weird went on inside my head while we where there. I looked around the town and somehow felt disconnected to it. I cant explain it any better than that. Disconnected. Like is this truly where I want to end up? Is this where I want to be? In a way Casper felt like cemetery's end to me. Like if I go back there, that is where I will end up dying. Like this is my last chance to get the hell out of there. I mean it looked trashy and run down to me. I think I hold on to Casper because that is where Josh and I started our lives together, there were good times and bad. But everywhere I look there is a memory with us in it. Like almost 12 years ago we were up on Casper Mountain and we found this cool looking tree and we carved Josh-n-Nikki 4 Ever in it. Every year since we go back and look at it, the years of sap and weather have made it tarnished and black, but it is our tree, and the word are still there, we call it our love tree. It seems since we have been here, we have not made very many memories. Just us fighting, and debt that has us between a rock and a cliff. This place feels unhappy to me. We just have to find a way to make it work for all of us. Josh and I have been down some bumpy roads together, but this past 6 months has been the hardest time in our relationship. I have half of my things already packed and I refuse to put them back up. I don't want to stay here in this house, yet Im not sure that I truly want to go back to Casper. UGH I guess I feel disconnected from my life also. Disconnected from Josh. Things will never be the same, this is the choice we made and if I could take it back I would. But I can't so we will just have to find a way, someway, to make this work. There is nothing else. Where is my fairy Godmother when I need her?

HOME...

First of all I know this sounds crazy but I want to go home. Every day I'm here, that is in the back of my mind. I don't think this city is for me and my kids. Its hard to raise your kids in a cold, hard, city. I know Casper has its own issues, but here the issues are on a bigger scale. I love Josh and want to be with him, and I want him to have his job, but I don't want to be here. I'm not going to force him to quit his job, he can keep it, but I know me and the kids are going to go back to Casper. I mean I have a hard time driving in this City and I'm supposed to teach my son to drive in this crap. People here are rude, not all but most. Jayden's school is BAD, drug infested, gang banger bullshit. Peyton's face is all scratched up from girls at school, and Mason has been acting out at school, just being defiant to teachers and refusing to do what they ask. Now that's not my Mason. I don't care if I have to start all over and go live in public housing, I just know I have to get my kids out of here. When Im in Casper I feel like why in the heck do I want to come back here, but truly the issue is safety. It feels safe there to me, here not so much. Josh doesnt see whats going on with the kids, he is oblivious to it, same with what is going on with me, oblivious. He is so focused on his job, they work him like an illegal, and are having cash flow problems so he only got one week of pay so I can hear the checks bouncing in the account right now. Oh but all the Illegals who work there got their pay on time. Bullshit. That is very frustrating. Plus the girls who rent my house in Casper are going to move out, they dont like people coming in to show the house, or to have open houses. So we are going to be in the same spot with 2 house payments AGAIN..... I can understand how they feel, but I am paying their gas bill to compensate them for that inconvenience, but what can I do about it. Nothing. On top of it all Jayden is now smoking Cigarettes, busted him over and over again. I told him that on the 9th he has a Orthodontist appointment and Im just going to have the doctor take off his braces. We have to pay $200 every month just to get his braces adjusted and all the things they do, and if he is smoking its just a waste of money. Over the next 14 months it will be $3200 for braces and retainers. so I told him quit smoking and have nice teeth for the rest of your life, or keep smoking and have messed up teeth and jaw for the rest of your life. Its up to you. We will see what he decides to do. I know first hand you cant fight a kid when it comes to smoking, it just makes them want to do it more. I discourage it, maybe this whole braces thing will be a wake up call for him, or not. So confused, dont know what to do. I wish we would of NEVER MOVED HERE!!!!!!

My Debevec Luck!

OK, so things did not go well at the cell phone place. They let me go. I'm sort of happy, because I did not like it, but sort of sad, cuz it make me feel like a big fat LOSER!!! But what can I do, I did not like the hours, I know I can do better, and that's what I will do, Better. In reality I just want to be a house wife, taking care of my kids, husband, dogs, and home. But then there is the other reality, Bills, Bills, Bills,... Josh is OK with this, we are doing much better and I think we are on the road to recovery. We may be going back to Casper as soon as our lease is up here. I'm not sure, we have 4 months to think about it. But if our house does not sell, we just may move right back into it. He has a love hate relationship with his job, and said it would not break his heart if he had to move on. Sometimes you have to take a step back before you can go forward. He loves me, and sometimes I feel like I'm his biggest downfall. We are day and night. I sometimes feel like everyone can see that but him. I'm lucky, he has put up with so much from me, and he still is willing to drive on. I told him he is a glutton for punishment. He says he loves me for better or worse. He is a loyal LEO. I'm thankful for him! I love him, and without him I don't know where I would be. I think he has saved my life on more than one occasion, I know it. I just wish I could be better, stronger, normal. This is what I need to strive for, so I can hold my family together. Plus another job. I wish I could work from home, Dont we all?

I feel OLD

Ok, so started working at this place, training to move to another company that will open in the middle of the month, Its a Cricket store. Cell phone place. Most of the people who work there are just 3 or 4 years older than Jayden. So they all want to talk about how they got super drunk and kissed girls and OMG, its like so High School, I could puke. But just to appease the Gods (Josh) I'm gonna try to make it work. But I feel like I'm beyond that. I thought a College Degree would help land a better job, but that's a joke. HAHA! So I feel like the old lady at the cell phone store. I hate getting old, but I have lost 20 pounds, so now my skinny jeans are now my fat jeans. That's a major plus. The stress diet works wonders. Just 20 more pounds and I will be fabulous. The fabulous old lady at the cell phone store that is. Why does everyone have to put their bi-sexuality on display for everyone to hear? I guess its the cool thing to do in 2010. But if that's cool, I guess I'm so not cool anymore. I use to be, where did all of my coolness go, I guess it got lost somewhere in the past 12 years. Its that ugly word maturity. I just want a office job, sitting behind a desk, working with peers who are not puking all day long because of drunkenness and kissing girls the night before.

IF you read my last post (sorry and not sorry)

If you didn't you missed out! I deleted it, Can anyone say BIPOLAR..... Just going threw some heavy shit. All of us are. Its hard to be us right now. I know everyone has their own pile of BS, but we are at a catharsis in life right now, teetering on a threshold. It can very easily go one way or the other at this point. Do we let 12 years of our lives go down the drain, or do we work on it. Is it even worth it anymore? So complicated, kids, bills, things, health issues, Life, who I want to be VS who I am. Like I said Catharsis. I think we all go threw it, everyone of us in our lives. It is hard on me because I dont know anyone here, and I so wish that I had a mother who I could talk to about this. But I don't. I just know that right now its not a healthy environment for my kids. Its hard to see your parents fighting all the time. Its not easy growing up in WW III, like my girl Pink says. I mean do I just stick around and see how bad it gets? When do you know that enough is enough? I hate this, when they say marriage is work, they are not kidding. You all know how much I love to work. LOL..... But sorry about the doom and gloom, but this is my blog and this is my life, and when things are heavy and too much to carry, I sometimes put them here. It helps a little to know that someone is reading my thoughts, and someone may be able to relate, or give suggestions. Drama is emotionally draining, need a energy boost from my clan.

Its been awhile

I found the magic of Face Book and have not posted in a while. Im addicted to FB, Ive found friends that I have not talked to in 20 years or so. Josh's family, you so need to go to David's facebook page and check out his video. Its so funny, and about global warming. I think we all have missed out on David and how cool of a kid he is. Sad, but we can always fix that starting NOW. And NO I have NOT found a job yet. That seems to be the question on every ones mind. I know my fault, no one elses. Been tryin pretty hard. So thats the latest gossip in my life right now. Mason has a new nick name, its Mace Mace Peanut butter and Jelly Face. I wont say why because of legal issues but I will tell you in person. LOL.... Hope everyone is well and I hope poor Sam starts to get better soon. Poor guy, at least he has Brooke to take care of him. Perhaps we should get her a sexy nurse outfit just to brighten his day. Do you think she would wear it?