Monday, October 18, 2010
alway's its so easy to see your flaws, and harder to see the good. We all do it and we know we do it. Such negative self talk. Like im always thinking, Im not good enough. I need to lose a few pounds, Im not smart enough, I could be more involved with the kids, Im selfish, I want want want, Im old, not pretty enough. Sometimes thoughts like this are hard to overcome. What is all this positive self talk I keep hearing about. I know I think well at lest im a better mother then mine ever was, but then I think OMG that hag is raising my son, so how much better am I? I think there is a lot in my life that needs fixing. Yea I have Josh and the kids, but damn them all. If I had never had kids I wouldnt have to lose a few or be called selfish, and probably wouldnt feel so damn old. (or look it ) shhhh. I mean I love them dont get me wrong, and its them that I want to change for, or make the flaws I feel lesson, and yea I know im a little selfish, and I want want want for things I cant have, so its a work in progress. but when i ask myself what Im good at what is my talent, I draw a blank. Im different, not a cookie cutter of everyone else, like the mommy pow wow's at the school. Dont let me get started on that issue. But it seems that is bad. Ive always felt like I dont belong, always. Perhaps it's this town and the Wyoming mentality, but then again if i didnt have kids I wouldnt live here. So in that way Im not selfish, I wanted then to grow up in a safe envoronment, not that anywhere is safe, but at least its not like Colorado with millions of people. Im very liberal with my views and I try to pass that on to my kids. But then again is that a good thing. I dont believe in God but I tell them they can belive what ever they want. I dont know. Just rambling's and truthful thoughts. seems like people are afraid too speek the truth unless its on Craigs List and annoymous. Not me, I speek my mind, again is that a good thing??? I think I care too much or perhaps too litte about what others think of me. Not sure as you can tell, LOL.. I just always thought that by now Id have everyting figured out and be in that house of the hill. Have what I wanted. Guess the jokes on me. so now its be happy with what you do have, be thankful, be this be that. AHHHH! Why cant I just be me.. Whom ever that is, I havent seen her in years. sometimes it feels as if being married is like having parents all ove again. Be home at this hour, where you going, call me. UGH!!! But what if It was to all go away, then I guess Id really be bithing.