Sunday, October 24, 2010


I wonder why we collect the things that we do? For example some collect hats, others bottle caps, even dead animal heads to hang on their walls. Yuck. I collect 3 things, sea shells, fairies, and snow men. So what does our choice of collector items say about us and why are we compelled to collect such things. No im not a hoarder either. So perhaps in my mind i live in fantasy land by a beach. LOL. Just going threw my things that have been in boxes for a year or more and wondering why I had to have all these things? Do they make me any happier? NO, are they pretty to look at yes, but in truth in years from now when Im gone, they will not matter to anyone, they will be in a landfill somewhere or remain in a box in the attic somewhere, or broke by my children's, children. So why do we collect. Even the Egyptians did it, but at least when they were entombed their things got to be with them and they could spend eternity with their things.till they were robbed or excavated. Ive heard the saying over and over the more you own the more you are owned by the things you own. What about the people who collect animals and weird thing like potato chips that look like celebrities or past presidents, not thats freaky! Just wondering if all our life experiences have to do with what we collect, or if its ingrained into our DNA, like our eye color, or mood dispositions, or features. Is all this pre-planned before we even know it? I guess beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, to use an old cliche, but a true one.

Monday, October 18, 2010


alway's its so easy to see your flaws, and harder to see the good. We all do it and we know we do it. Such negative self talk. Like im always thinking, Im not good enough. I need to lose a few pounds, Im not smart enough, I could be more involved with the kids, Im selfish, I want want want, Im old, not pretty enough. Sometimes thoughts like this are hard to overcome. What is all this positive self talk I keep hearing about. I know I think well at lest im a better mother then mine ever was, but then I think OMG that hag is raising my son, so how much better am I? I think there is a lot in my life that needs fixing. Yea I have Josh and the kids, but damn them all. If I had never had kids I wouldnt have to lose a few or be called selfish, and probably wouldnt feel so damn old. (or look it ) shhhh. I mean I love them dont get me wrong, and its them that I want to change for, or make the flaws I feel lesson, and yea I know im a little selfish, and I want want want for things I cant have, so its a work in progress. but when i ask myself what Im good at what is my talent, I draw a blank. Im different, not a cookie cutter of everyone else, like the mommy pow wow's at the school. Dont let me get started on that issue. But it seems that is bad. Ive always felt like I dont belong, always. Perhaps it's this town and the Wyoming mentality, but then again if i didnt have kids I wouldnt live here. So in that way Im not selfish, I wanted then to grow up in a safe envoronment, not that anywhere is safe, but at least its not like Colorado with millions of people. Im very liberal with my views and I try to pass that on to my kids. But then again is that a good thing. I dont believe in God but I tell them they can belive what ever they want. I dont know. Just rambling's and truthful thoughts. seems like people are afraid too speek the truth unless its on Craigs List and annoymous. Not me, I speek my mind, again is that a good thing??? I think I care too much or perhaps too litte about what others think of me. Not sure as you can tell, LOL.. I just always thought that by now Id have everyting figured out and be in that house of the hill. Have what I wanted. Guess the jokes on me. so now its be happy with what you do have, be thankful, be this be that. AHHHH! Why cant I just be me.. Whom ever that is, I havent seen her in years. sometimes it feels as if being married is like having parents all ove again. Be home at this hour, where you going, call me. UGH!!! But what if It was to all go away, then I guess Id really be bithing.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I do things I cant explain
even though they cause you pain

I saw you standing in the pouring rain
wondering why I have no shame

It is the darkness inside my soul
fueled by memories beyond my control

I could never learn to trust you, afraid to give you my heart
I knew sooner or later I would be left alone in the dark

I gave you all I could, even sacrificed my youth
all the while feeling as if all of this was not the truth

so now its time to say goodbye
watching the memories float up to the sky
please please please don't you cry
as i let out my final sigh
and slowly but painlessly lay down to die.

Nikki Debevec-Owens