Monday, March 8, 2010
Last weekend we went back to Casper because Josh had some work to do there. We all went and stayed at a Hotel. Jayden went to Darlen's house. The kids loved swimming, and I the hot tub, till I looked and realized how filthy it was. YUCK! So something weird went on inside my head while we where there. I looked around the town and somehow felt disconnected to it. I cant explain it any better than that. Disconnected. Like is this truly where I want to end up? Is this where I want to be? In a way Casper felt like cemetery's end to me. Like if I go back there, that is where I will end up dying. Like this is my last chance to get the hell out of there. I mean it looked trashy and run down to me. I think I hold on to Casper because that is where Josh and I started our lives together, there were good times and bad. But everywhere I look there is a memory with us in it. Like almost 12 years ago we were up on Casper Mountain and we found this cool looking tree and we carved Josh-n-Nikki 4 Ever in it. Every year since we go back and look at it, the years of sap and weather have made it tarnished and black, but it is our tree, and the word are still there, we call it our love tree. It seems since we have been here, we have not made very many memories. Just us fighting, and debt that has us between a rock and a cliff. This place feels unhappy to me. We just have to find a way to make it work for all of us. Josh and I have been down some bumpy roads together, but this past 6 months has been the hardest time in our relationship. I have half of my things already packed and I refuse to put them back up. I don't want to stay here in this house, yet Im not sure that I truly want to go back to Casper. UGH I guess I feel disconnected from my life also. Disconnected from Josh. Things will never be the same, this is the choice we made and if I could take it back I would. But I can't so we will just have to find a way, someway, to make this work. There is nothing else. Where is my fairy Godmother when I need her?