HOME...

First of all I know this sounds crazy but I want to go home. Every day I'm here, that is in the back of my mind. I don't think this city is for me and my kids. Its hard to raise your kids in a cold, hard, city. I know Casper has its own issues, but here the issues are on a bigger scale. I love Josh and want to be with him, and I want him to have his job, but I don't want to be here. I'm not going to force him to quit his job, he can keep it, but I know me and the kids are going to go back to Casper. I mean I have a hard time driving in this City and I'm supposed to teach my son to drive in this crap. People here are rude, not all but most. Jayden's school is BAD, drug infested, gang banger bullshit. Peyton's face is all scratched up from girls at school, and Mason has been acting out at school, just being defiant to teachers and refusing to do what they ask. Now that's not my Mason. I don't care if I have to start all over and go live in public housing, I just know I have to get my kids out of here. When Im in Casper I feel like why in the heck do I want to come back here, but truly the issue is safety. It feels safe there to me, here not so much. Josh doesnt see whats going on with the kids, he is oblivious to it, same with what is going on with me, oblivious. He is so focused on his job, they work him like an illegal, and are having cash flow problems so he only got one week of pay so I can hear the checks bouncing in the account right now. Oh but all the Illegals who work there got their pay on time. Bullshit. That is very frustrating. Plus the girls who rent my house in Casper are going to move out, they dont like people coming in to show the house, or to have open houses. So we are going to be in the same spot with 2 house payments AGAIN..... I can understand how they feel, but I am paying their gas bill to compensate them for that inconvenience, but what can I do about it. Nothing. On top of it all Jayden is now smoking Cigarettes, busted him over and over again. I told him that on the 9th he has a Orthodontist appointment and Im just going to have the doctor take off his braces. We have to pay $200 every month just to get his braces adjusted and all the things they do, and if he is smoking its just a waste of money. Over the next 14 months it will be $3200 for braces and retainers. so I told him quit smoking and have nice teeth for the rest of your life, or keep smoking and have messed up teeth and jaw for the rest of your life. Its up to you. We will see what he decides to do. I know first hand you cant fight a kid when it comes to smoking, it just makes them want to do it more. I discourage it, maybe this whole braces thing will be a wake up call for him, or not. So confused, dont know what to do. I wish we would of NEVER MOVED HERE!!!!!!

My Debevec Luck!

OK, so things did not go well at the cell phone place. They let me go. I'm sort of happy, because I did not like it, but sort of sad, cuz it make me feel like a big fat LOSER!!! But what can I do, I did not like the hours, I know I can do better, and that's what I will do, Better. In reality I just want to be a house wife, taking care of my kids, husband, dogs, and home. But then there is the other reality, Bills, Bills, Bills,... Josh is OK with this, we are doing much better and I think we are on the road to recovery. We may be going back to Casper as soon as our lease is up here. I'm not sure, we have 4 months to think about it. But if our house does not sell, we just may move right back into it. He has a love hate relationship with his job, and said it would not break his heart if he had to move on. Sometimes you have to take a step back before you can go forward. He loves me, and sometimes I feel like I'm his biggest downfall. We are day and night. I sometimes feel like everyone can see that but him. I'm lucky, he has put up with so much from me, and he still is willing to drive on. I told him he is a glutton for punishment. He says he loves me for better or worse. He is a loyal LEO. I'm thankful for him! I love him, and without him I don't know where I would be. I think he has saved my life on more than one occasion, I know it. I just wish I could be better, stronger, normal. This is what I need to strive for, so I can hold my family together. Plus another job. I wish I could work from home, Dont we all?

I feel OLD

Ok, so started working at this place, training to move to another company that will open in the middle of the month, Its a Cricket store. Cell phone place. Most of the people who work there are just 3 or 4 years older than Jayden. So they all want to talk about how they got super drunk and kissed girls and OMG, its like so High School, I could puke. But just to appease the Gods (Josh) I'm gonna try to make it work. But I feel like I'm beyond that. I thought a College Degree would help land a better job, but that's a joke. HAHA! So I feel like the old lady at the cell phone store. I hate getting old, but I have lost 20 pounds, so now my skinny jeans are now my fat jeans. That's a major plus. The stress diet works wonders. Just 20 more pounds and I will be fabulous. The fabulous old lady at the cell phone store that is. Why does everyone have to put their bi-sexuality on display for everyone to hear? I guess its the cool thing to do in 2010. But if that's cool, I guess I'm so not cool anymore. I use to be, where did all of my coolness go, I guess it got lost somewhere in the past 12 years. Its that ugly word maturity. I just want a office job, sitting behind a desk, working with peers who are not puking all day long because of drunkenness and kissing girls the night before.

IF you read my last post (sorry and not sorry)

If you didn't you missed out! I deleted it, Can anyone say BIPOLAR..... Just going threw some heavy shit. All of us are. Its hard to be us right now. I know everyone has their own pile of BS, but we are at a catharsis in life right now, teetering on a threshold. It can very easily go one way or the other at this point. Do we let 12 years of our lives go down the drain, or do we work on it. Is it even worth it anymore? So complicated, kids, bills, things, health issues, Life, who I want to be VS who I am. Like I said Catharsis. I think we all go threw it, everyone of us in our lives. It is hard on me because I dont know anyone here, and I so wish that I had a mother who I could talk to about this. But I don't. I just know that right now its not a healthy environment for my kids. Its hard to see your parents fighting all the time. Its not easy growing up in WW III, like my girl Pink says. I mean do I just stick around and see how bad it gets? When do you know that enough is enough? I hate this, when they say marriage is work, they are not kidding. You all know how much I love to work. LOL..... But sorry about the doom and gloom, but this is my blog and this is my life, and when things are heavy and too much to carry, I sometimes put them here. It helps a little to know that someone is reading my thoughts, and someone may be able to relate, or give suggestions. Drama is emotionally draining, need a energy boost from my clan.