Where the Willows Meet

Christa, u have been gone 18 years now, and still your memory stays with me. Sometimes I wish we could of changed places in that car. Why is it that I lived and you died? In a way I am envious, you will forever be young and beautiful. You will never know the heart ache of losing your best friend, the other half of u. You will never know how much that hurts. I wonder if we would still be best friends, or if we would have drifted apart like sand in the wind, and became just distant memories like so many of the rest. You were the only person in this world who totally understood me. I miss u. I feel selfish, because I lived, I got to know the feeling of falling in love, having unconditional love threw my children, and then the heartbreak of falling out of love. I look in the mirror and wonder who is this person standing before me, because I have aged, and my own visage is almost unrecognizable, age is cruel, and only getting crueler by the year. I have tried more than once to come meet you again, but perhaps you are not ready to see me . Perhaps it is you that keeps me here, even thou my head is full of darkness and my heart is shattered on the floor, you still want me to be here. I know you were here, you were alive, and you were my best friend, you live threw me, my love and my struggles are also yours. We are one, even death could not kill that. However there is a hole in my soul where you use to be. You filled that piece of me that no one ever could, not my husband, not my kids, and no other. However when it is time for me to find the path threw the thorny bushes and darkness, I want your face to be the first I see. We can walk hand in hand threw the dark overgrown pathways where the willows meet, and once again be whole. I love you my dear Christa Sweet, please wait for me where the willows meet.

love this

2am and she calls me cuz im still awake. can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season. Yea we walk threw the doors so accusing their eyes like they have any right at all to criticize, hypocrites your all here for the very same reason. Cuz you cant jump the track were like cars on a cable and lifes like an hour glass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button girl. so cradle your head in your hands and breathe, just breathe..

Anna Nalick 2 A.M

Little White Lies

We all tell little white lies to our boss our neighbor and our spouces. But when it comes to lying to your spouce do little white lies end up in a giant marriage ruining snowball. I think so. Its even worse when you catch them in a lie, and it underminds everything. Marriage is suppose to be based on trust and love right. Well there is no trust in my relationship. To many white lies have ended up in a giant snow ball packed full of rocks that is getting ready for a landslide. That kind of kills the love. You can say I love you, but do you mean Im still in love with you? Its 2 different things. Perhaps if people would see what was right in front of them they would understand why someone did what they did. Open your eyes to what you have, and dont fucking blame me for all of it. Everyone can see it but you. Get the fuck over it or lets move on. No one is getting any younger here.

Things

I wonder why we collect the things that we do? For example some collect hats, others bottle caps, even dead animal heads to hang on their walls. Yuck. I collect 3 things, sea shells, fairies, and snow men. So what does our choice of collector items say about us and why are we compelled to collect such things. No im not a hoarder either. So perhaps in my mind i live in fantasy land by a beach. LOL. Just going threw my things that have been in boxes for a year or more and wondering why I had to have all these things? Do they make me any happier? NO, are they pretty to look at yes, but in truth in years from now when Im gone, they will not matter to anyone, they will be in a landfill somewhere or remain in a box in the attic somewhere, or broke by my children's, children. So why do we collect. Even the Egyptians did it, but at least when they were entombed their things got to be with them and they could spend eternity with their things.till they were robbed or excavated. Ive heard the saying over and over the more you own the more you are owned by the things you own. What about the people who collect animals and weird thing like potato chips that look like celebrities or past presidents, not thats freaky! Just wondering if all our life experiences have to do with what we collect, or if its ingrained into our DNA, like our eye color, or mood dispositions, or features. Is all this pre-planned before we even know it? I guess beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, to use an old cliche, but a true one.

Flaws

alway's its so easy to see your flaws, and harder to see the good. We all do it and we know we do it. Such negative self talk. Like im always thinking, Im not good enough. I need to lose a few pounds, Im not smart enough, I could be more involved with the kids, Im selfish, I want want want, Im old, not pretty enough. Sometimes thoughts like this are hard to overcome. What is all this positive self talk I keep hearing about. I know I think well at lest im a better mother then mine ever was, but then I think OMG that hag is raising my son, so how much better am I? I think there is a lot in my life that needs fixing. Yea I have Josh and the kids, but damn them all. If I had never had kids I wouldnt have to lose a few or be called selfish, and probably wouldnt feel so damn old. (or look it ) shhhh. I mean I love them dont get me wrong, and its them that I want to change for, or make the flaws I feel lesson, and yea I know im a little selfish, and I want want want for things I cant have, so its a work in progress. but when i ask myself what Im good at what is my talent, I draw a blank. Im different, not a cookie cutter of everyone else, like the mommy pow wow's at the school. Dont let me get started on that issue. But it seems that is bad. Ive always felt like I dont belong, always. Perhaps it's this town and the Wyoming mentality, but then again if i didnt have kids I wouldnt live here. So in that way Im not selfish, I wanted then to grow up in a safe envoronment, not that anywhere is safe, but at least its not like Colorado with millions of people. Im very liberal with my views and I try to pass that on to my kids. But then again is that a good thing. I dont believe in God but I tell them they can belive what ever they want. I dont know. Just rambling's and truthful thoughts. seems like people are afraid too speek the truth unless its on Craigs List and annoymous. Not me, I speek my mind, again is that a good thing??? I think I care too much or perhaps too litte about what others think of me. Not sure as you can tell, LOL.. I just always thought that by now Id have everyting figured out and be in that house of the hill. Have what I wanted. Guess the jokes on me. so now its be happy with what you do have, be thankful, be this be that. AHHHH! Why cant I just be me.. Whom ever that is, I havent seen her in years. sometimes it feels as if being married is like having parents all ove again. Be home at this hour, where you going, call me. UGH!!! But what if It was to all go away, then I guess Id really be bithing.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I do things I cant explain
even though they cause you pain

I saw you standing in the pouring rain
wondering why I have no shame

It is the darkness inside my soul
fueled by memories beyond my control

I could never learn to trust you, afraid to give you my heart
I knew sooner or later I would be left alone in the dark

I gave you all I could, even sacrificed my youth
all the while feeling as if all of this was not the truth

so now its time to say goodbye
watching the memories float up to the sky
please please please don't you cry
as i let out my final sigh
and slowly but painlessly lay down to die.

Nikki Debevec-Owens

Disconnected

Last weekend we went back to Casper because Josh had some work to do there. We all went and stayed at a Hotel. Jayden went to Darlen's house. The kids loved swimming, and I the hot tub, till I looked and realized how filthy it was. YUCK! So something weird went on inside my head while we where there. I looked around the town and somehow felt disconnected to it. I cant explain it any better than that. Disconnected. Like is this truly where I want to end up? Is this where I want to be? In a way Casper felt like cemetery's end to me. Like if I go back there, that is where I will end up dying. Like this is my last chance to get the hell out of there. I mean it looked trashy and run down to me. I think I hold on to Casper because that is where Josh and I started our lives together, there were good times and bad. But everywhere I look there is a memory with us in it. Like almost 12 years ago we were up on Casper Mountain and we found this cool looking tree and we carved Josh-n-Nikki 4 Ever in it. Every year since we go back and look at it, the years of sap and weather have made it tarnished and black, but it is our tree, and the word are still there, we call it our love tree. It seems since we have been here, we have not made very many memories. Just us fighting, and debt that has us between a rock and a cliff. This place feels unhappy to me. We just have to find a way to make it work for all of us. Josh and I have been down some bumpy roads together, but this past 6 months has been the hardest time in our relationship. I have half of my things already packed and I refuse to put them back up. I don't want to stay here in this house, yet Im not sure that I truly want to go back to Casper. UGH I guess I feel disconnected from my life also. Disconnected from Josh. Things will never be the same, this is the choice we made and if I could take it back I would. But I can't so we will just have to find a way, someway, to make this work. There is nothing else. Where is my fairy Godmother when I need her?

HOME...

First of all I know this sounds crazy but I want to go home. Every day I'm here, that is in the back of my mind. I don't think this city is for me and my kids. Its hard to raise your kids in a cold, hard, city. I know Casper has its own issues, but here the issues are on a bigger scale. I love Josh and want to be with him, and I want him to have his job, but I don't want to be here. I'm not going to force him to quit his job, he can keep it, but I know me and the kids are going to go back to Casper. I mean I have a hard time driving in this City and I'm supposed to teach my son to drive in this crap. People here are rude, not all but most. Jayden's school is BAD, drug infested, gang banger bullshit. Peyton's face is all scratched up from girls at school, and Mason has been acting out at school, just being defiant to teachers and refusing to do what they ask. Now that's not my Mason. I don't care if I have to start all over and go live in public housing, I just know I have to get my kids out of here. When Im in Casper I feel like why in the heck do I want to come back here, but truly the issue is safety. It feels safe there to me, here not so much. Josh doesnt see whats going on with the kids, he is oblivious to it, same with what is going on with me, oblivious. He is so focused on his job, they work him like an illegal, and are having cash flow problems so he only got one week of pay so I can hear the checks bouncing in the account right now. Oh but all the Illegals who work there got their pay on time. Bullshit. That is very frustrating. Plus the girls who rent my house in Casper are going to move out, they dont like people coming in to show the house, or to have open houses. So we are going to be in the same spot with 2 house payments AGAIN..... I can understand how they feel, but I am paying their gas bill to compensate them for that inconvenience, but what can I do about it. Nothing. On top of it all Jayden is now smoking Cigarettes, busted him over and over again. I told him that on the 9th he has a Orthodontist appointment and Im just going to have the doctor take off his braces. We have to pay $200 every month just to get his braces adjusted and all the things they do, and if he is smoking its just a waste of money. Over the next 14 months it will be $3200 for braces and retainers. so I told him quit smoking and have nice teeth for the rest of your life, or keep smoking and have messed up teeth and jaw for the rest of your life. Its up to you. We will see what he decides to do. I know first hand you cant fight a kid when it comes to smoking, it just makes them want to do it more. I discourage it, maybe this whole braces thing will be a wake up call for him, or not. So confused, dont know what to do. I wish we would of NEVER MOVED HERE!!!!!!

My Debevec Luck!

OK, so things did not go well at the cell phone place. They let me go. I'm sort of happy, because I did not like it, but sort of sad, cuz it make me feel like a big fat LOSER!!! But what can I do, I did not like the hours, I know I can do better, and that's what I will do, Better. In reality I just want to be a house wife, taking care of my kids, husband, dogs, and home. But then there is the other reality, Bills, Bills, Bills,... Josh is OK with this, we are doing much better and I think we are on the road to recovery. We may be going back to Casper as soon as our lease is up here. I'm not sure, we have 4 months to think about it. But if our house does not sell, we just may move right back into it. He has a love hate relationship with his job, and said it would not break his heart if he had to move on. Sometimes you have to take a step back before you can go forward. He loves me, and sometimes I feel like I'm his biggest downfall. We are day and night. I sometimes feel like everyone can see that but him. I'm lucky, he has put up with so much from me, and he still is willing to drive on. I told him he is a glutton for punishment. He says he loves me for better or worse. He is a loyal LEO. I'm thankful for him! I love him, and without him I don't know where I would be. I think he has saved my life on more than one occasion, I know it. I just wish I could be better, stronger, normal. This is what I need to strive for, so I can hold my family together. Plus another job. I wish I could work from home, Dont we all?

I feel OLD

Ok, so started working at this place, training to move to another company that will open in the middle of the month, Its a Cricket store. Cell phone place. Most of the people who work there are just 3 or 4 years older than Jayden. So they all want to talk about how they got super drunk and kissed girls and OMG, its like so High School, I could puke. But just to appease the Gods (Josh) I'm gonna try to make it work. But I feel like I'm beyond that. I thought a College Degree would help land a better job, but that's a joke. HAHA! So I feel like the old lady at the cell phone store. I hate getting old, but I have lost 20 pounds, so now my skinny jeans are now my fat jeans. That's a major plus. The stress diet works wonders. Just 20 more pounds and I will be fabulous. The fabulous old lady at the cell phone store that is. Why does everyone have to put their bi-sexuality on display for everyone to hear? I guess its the cool thing to do in 2010. But if that's cool, I guess I'm so not cool anymore. I use to be, where did all of my coolness go, I guess it got lost somewhere in the past 12 years. Its that ugly word maturity. I just want a office job, sitting behind a desk, working with peers who are not puking all day long because of drunkenness and kissing girls the night before.

IF you read my last post (sorry and not sorry)

If you didn't you missed out! I deleted it, Can anyone say BIPOLAR..... Just going threw some heavy shit. All of us are. Its hard to be us right now. I know everyone has their own pile of BS, but we are at a catharsis in life right now, teetering on a threshold. It can very easily go one way or the other at this point. Do we let 12 years of our lives go down the drain, or do we work on it. Is it even worth it anymore? So complicated, kids, bills, things, health issues, Life, who I want to be VS who I am. Like I said Catharsis. I think we all go threw it, everyone of us in our lives. It is hard on me because I dont know anyone here, and I so wish that I had a mother who I could talk to about this. But I don't. I just know that right now its not a healthy environment for my kids. Its hard to see your parents fighting all the time. Its not easy growing up in WW III, like my girl Pink says. I mean do I just stick around and see how bad it gets? When do you know that enough is enough? I hate this, when they say marriage is work, they are not kidding. You all know how much I love to work. LOL..... But sorry about the doom and gloom, but this is my blog and this is my life, and when things are heavy and too much to carry, I sometimes put them here. It helps a little to know that someone is reading my thoughts, and someone may be able to relate, or give suggestions. Drama is emotionally draining, need a energy boost from my clan.

Its been awhile

I found the magic of Face Book and have not posted in a while. Im addicted to FB, Ive found friends that I have not talked to in 20 years or so. Josh's family, you so need to go to David's facebook page and check out his video. Its so funny, and about global warming. I think we all have missed out on David and how cool of a kid he is. Sad, but we can always fix that starting NOW. And NO I have NOT found a job yet. That seems to be the question on every ones mind. I know my fault, no one elses. Been tryin pretty hard. So thats the latest gossip in my life right now. Mason has a new nick name, its Mace Mace Peanut butter and Jelly Face. I wont say why because of legal issues but I will tell you in person. LOL.... Hope everyone is well and I hope poor Sam starts to get better soon. Poor guy, at least he has Brooke to take care of him. Perhaps we should get her a sexy nurse outfit just to brighten his day. Do you think she would wear it?

Merry Christmas.

I did not sent out cards this year so I am now wishing all of you a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year!!! I hope you all get your Christmas Wishes!!! What ever they may be. Love You All

BURRRR

It is freezing here today. It's like 15 degrees outside right now and yesterday it was tank top weather. Crazy. Thanksgiving was nice. Beki and George were here. Peyton and Beki kicked our butts at Pictionary. No fair! The next day our friends Travis and Rebel came down and stayed a few days. That was cool, and they want to move here after seeing the city and all it has to offer. That would be my dream come true. I so need a friend down here to do girly things with. I have an interview today, it is the 2nd at the community outreach center. So I think that is a good sign. (knock on wood). Wish me luck! It sounds like an ok job. Not my dream job by far, but a job. I heard there is something like 148000 people looking for work in the State, so beggars can't be choosers at this point. We still have not sold or rented out the house in Casper, it is such a bad market up there, I don't know what we will do if it does not go soon. I can't believe that Brooke's wedding and ring ceremony is less than two weeks away. It will be great to see all of you there. Drive Safe. I hope the weather is good for all of our drives. See you all then.

Snow Man Army

So last weekend I don't know what got into me but I put up the snow men. Not all but some, I even had Josh do some lights. So I guess I will be in the X-mas spirit once again. I'm still looking for a job, however I have an interview on Monday at the Community Outreach Center, being a receptionist. Its a center that places people with IQs under 70 in foster homes and group homes. Its better than nothing, but still not what I want to do. However anything is better than nothing right now. Its kind of in a bad part of town also, the South side. I put the house in Casper up for rent, and I put an add in the Casper paper and on Craig's list. I have gotten more responses from the add on Craig's list. I never checked out Craig's list before, its kind of neat, however stay away from the personal adds. There is some Freaks out there, especially in Colorado Springs. FREAKS!
I'm looking forward to seeing Beki and George next week, they are going to come down for turkey day and to spend some time with us. That will be nice. Cant wait to see some familiar faces.

More Positive Today

It is Friday the 13th Masons Birthday! He is now 7 can you believe that. It is so funny he lost both of his two front teeth in one day. So I guess he could sing that old song all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. So things here have been sort of hard. Finding a job for me is not as easy as I would of hoped. I have gone to all the job services, scoured the paper daily and yes even applied at a crematorium. You know where you burn the dead. So not what I went to college for. The traffic here is crazy, the other day it took me 40 minutes to drive 7.5 miles. Other times its smooth sailing. I'm very home sick, and I miss my friends, and my old house. It is killing us making these two house payments along with all the bills for each. We are so broke it hurts. I'm afraid that if we don't sell that house soon we may have to go into foreclosure and file bankruptcy. I so don't want that, but what do we do, I mean we have to eat. My depression has been out of control, today is the first day in weeks that I have felt like myself. I spent days in bed just crying and sleeping. Its been hard on me moving here. Its hard to except that my house is gone forever. But......I'm trying to stay positive, lets see, the radio stations here kick ass and are so much better that Wyo. I live in a very nice house, my family is still together and even though we are struggling we are still a family. There is a lot to do here if you have money. People here are nice, and marijuana is legal here. (not that I can afford any) So there are some things to look forward to. I am so not in the Christmas spirit this year, can you believe that not one snow man is on display. I know so not like me. I want to boycott the Holidays this year, Bah hum bug.

Blah blah blah

I have tried to write a blog post over and over and over again. But it just comes out way to blah blah blah and negative so I have written down some words from a song I love by Seether called Fine Again and it sort of sums up how I am feeling about this life and where Im at right now.

It seems like every days the same and Im left to discover on my own. It seems like everything is gray and theres no color to behold. They say its over and Im fine agin here. Try to stay sober, feels like im dying here. And I am aware now how everythings gonna be fine one day, too late Im in hell. I am prepared now seems everyones gonna be fine one day too late. Just as well.
I feel the dream in me expire and theres no one left to blame it on. I hear you label me a liar cuz I cant seem to get this threw. You say its over I can sigh again here. Why try to stay sober, when im dying here.
If you want to hear the whole song go to myspace/seether.

Trick or Treat

Halloween was once again nice and warm. Here are some fun picutres from Last night.

Adjustment Disorder

Ok so maybe moving and getting away from it all is not as easy as I thought. I still love the house, however am starting to not like the white carpet. Yes White, who in in their right mind would want to have white carpet in their house. Maybe if you were like 110 years old and never had anyone visit, walk, eat, or anything than that wouldn't be so bad. That is the least of it all. I got the kids all in their new schools. Im not to thrilled with Peyton and Masons school. The whole Medicare thing is a nightmare, trying to transfer or get medical for the kids has not been easy and is still not happening. Such a head ache and stressful. Josh's insurance does not kick in for 6 months, and with Jayden's braces, that's another ordeal and a stress. Plus Alltel has been giving me the run around, because surprise there is no alltel store here in the Springs and Im constantly roaming even though Im on the national plan. Jayden's school is alright, big High School and im not complaining or saying that it is a bad thing but at his school he is the minority. Such diversity here, I think im in culture shock. Living most of my life in Wyoming where there is hardly any diversity and then coming here where there is everyone is going to take some getting use to. I like it and think it's cool and all I just need to learn Spanish, and Ebonics. LOL So there is a lot left to figure out. Im home sick, I don't do well with so many changes at once. It is all setting in now, this is my life now, this is where we live. I know we will be ok, its just hard right now.
Josh likes his job, but he commutes 2 hours a day, that is hard on him, He seems to be getting it all figured out and comfortable. He is going to do well there, and hopefully will bring home the big bucks. I already have many ideas about spending those bucks. After all that's what this is all about right, more money, new opportunities. New shopping for me, Gucci here I come. NOT. We have to sell that house in Casper, its going to be very cumbersome until we do. But a girl can still dream, can't I? I need to find a job, and something to do with the lil ones after school while we work. I need to make some friends, I love Josh and all but hes not the best listener, hes a man, enough said. So just a little lonely and frustrated, but I guess all that is to be expected when you rearrange your life.

Im Beat

Moving is sooo not fun. I remember back in the day I could have everything packed in 9o min and be gone. I was so unorganized with this move, I even left the entire silverware drawer behind. I had the flew, way bad, don't recommend it. So I spent three days in bed and before I knew it there was only two days to pack. What a cluster****. Anyway a crew came up and loaded it all up for us, even things that we didn't want packed, of course only one spoke broken English, so it was hard to communicate. But they were super efficient and they even drove the U-haul down here and my van. Josh, I and the kids came down the next day along with Kathy and James. They were so much help. We all worked our butts off. There are nick knacks, boxes, clothes, ect everywhere. Its a mess. However it is the most beautiful home that I have ever lived in. The back fence needs a little help as well as the yard. But Im in AWE and can't believe that this is actually my house, well rental, but mine for now. It is fabulous. I am so spoiled. I love love love it. However we have already had some issues with Comcast, the cable company, not sure what to do about that.
Josh drove all the way back up to Casper today to go get his last check. His old boss called him and said, You have been a great employee so I think that you deserve a severance package. Guess what, he got all the way up there and just got his ass chewed out and by Dick (names have been changed to protect the bastard) and no severance. Im so glad he is done with him, and we can move on to better and brighter tomorrows. I hope he remembers the silver ware drawer content this time. James and Kathy also left this morning so I have been working my ass of trying to get this place together while trying to deal with the kids. Who by the way were not very good today. Hopefully Josh will get back at a decent hour tomorrow so we can at least enrol the kids in school. But I may wait another week just to torture myself. There is just so much to do, and this traffic sucks here. It is going to take lot to adjust to for me. But Im sure in no time I will get use to it. So thats how its been so far. I have decided that I dont like moving, I put it up there with root canals and child birth, It sucks. But what a beautiful house. Some of the colors need changed but thats nothin but a thing for me. I love to paint. So there you go everyone, we made it, and it is a great city. Come see us soon family, well Beki anyway. The rest of you live way to far away.