Where the Willows Meet

Christa, u have been gone 18 years now, and still your memory stays with me. Sometimes I wish we could of changed places in that car. Why is it that I lived and you died? In a way I am envious, you will forever be young and beautiful. You will never know the heart ache of losing your best friend, the other half of u. You will never know how much that hurts. I wonder if we would still be best friends, or if we would have drifted apart like sand in the wind, and became just distant memories like so many of the rest. You were the only person in this world who totally understood me. I miss u. I feel selfish, because I lived, I got to know the feeling of falling in love, having unconditional love threw my children, and then the heartbreak of falling out of love. I look in the mirror and wonder who is this person standing before me, because I have aged, and my own visage is almost unrecognizable, age is cruel, and only getting crueler by the year. I have tried more than once to come meet you again, but perhaps you are not ready to see me . Perhaps it is you that keeps me here, even thou my head is full of darkness and my heart is shattered on the floor, you still want me to be here. I know you were here, you were alive, and you were my best friend, you live threw me, my love and my struggles are also yours. We are one, even death could not kill that. However there is a hole in my soul where you use to be. You filled that piece of me that no one ever could, not my husband, not my kids, and no other. However when it is time for me to find the path threw the thorny bushes and darkness, I want your face to be the first I see. We can walk hand in hand threw the dark overgrown pathways where the willows meet, and once again be whole. I love you my dear Christa Sweet, please wait for me where the willows meet.

love this

2am and she calls me cuz im still awake. can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season. Yea we walk threw the doors so accusing their eyes like they have any right at all to criticize, hypocrites your all here for the very same reason. Cuz you cant jump the track were like cars on a cable and lifes like an hour glass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button girl. so cradle your head in your hands and breathe, just breathe..

Anna Nalick 2 A.M

Little White Lies

We all tell little white lies to our boss our neighbor and our spouces. But when it comes to lying to your spouce do little white lies end up in a giant marriage ruining snowball. I think so. Its even worse when you catch them in a lie, and it underminds everything. Marriage is suppose to be based on trust and love right. Well there is no trust in my relationship. To many white lies have ended up in a giant snow ball packed full of rocks that is getting ready for a landslide. That kind of kills the love. You can say I love you, but do you mean Im still in love with you? Its 2 different things. Perhaps if people would see what was right in front of them they would understand why someone did what they did. Open your eyes to what you have, and dont fucking blame me for all of it. Everyone can see it but you. Get the fuck over it or lets move on. No one is getting any younger here.

Things

I wonder why we collect the things that we do? For example some collect hats, others bottle caps, even dead animal heads to hang on their walls. Yuck. I collect 3 things, sea shells, fairies, and snow men. So what does our choice of collector items say about us and why are we compelled to collect such things. No im not a hoarder either. So perhaps in my mind i live in fantasy land by a beach. LOL. Just going threw my things that have been in boxes for a year or more and wondering why I had to have all these things? Do they make me any happier? NO, are they pretty to look at yes, but in truth in years from now when Im gone, they will not matter to anyone, they will be in a landfill somewhere or remain in a box in the attic somewhere, or broke by my children's, children. So why do we collect. Even the Egyptians did it, but at least when they were entombed their things got to be with them and they could spend eternity with their things.till they were robbed or excavated. Ive heard the saying over and over the more you own the more you are owned by the things you own. What about the people who collect animals and weird thing like potato chips that look like celebrities or past presidents, not thats freaky! Just wondering if all our life experiences have to do with what we collect, or if its ingrained into our DNA, like our eye color, or mood dispositions, or features. Is all this pre-planned before we even know it? I guess beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, to use an old cliche, but a true one.

Flaws

alway's its so easy to see your flaws, and harder to see the good. We all do it and we know we do it. Such negative self talk. Like im always thinking, Im not good enough. I need to lose a few pounds, Im not smart enough, I could be more involved with the kids, Im selfish, I want want want, Im old, not pretty enough. Sometimes thoughts like this are hard to overcome. What is all this positive self talk I keep hearing about. I know I think well at lest im a better mother then mine ever was, but then I think OMG that hag is raising my son, so how much better am I? I think there is a lot in my life that needs fixing. Yea I have Josh and the kids, but damn them all. If I had never had kids I wouldnt have to lose a few or be called selfish, and probably wouldnt feel so damn old. (or look it ) shhhh. I mean I love them dont get me wrong, and its them that I want to change for, or make the flaws I feel lesson, and yea I know im a little selfish, and I want want want for things I cant have, so its a work in progress. but when i ask myself what Im good at what is my talent, I draw a blank. Im different, not a cookie cutter of everyone else, like the mommy pow wow's at the school. Dont let me get started on that issue. But it seems that is bad. Ive always felt like I dont belong, always. Perhaps it's this town and the Wyoming mentality, but then again if i didnt have kids I wouldnt live here. So in that way Im not selfish, I wanted then to grow up in a safe envoronment, not that anywhere is safe, but at least its not like Colorado with millions of people. Im very liberal with my views and I try to pass that on to my kids. But then again is that a good thing. I dont believe in God but I tell them they can belive what ever they want. I dont know. Just rambling's and truthful thoughts. seems like people are afraid too speek the truth unless its on Craigs List and annoymous. Not me, I speek my mind, again is that a good thing??? I think I care too much or perhaps too litte about what others think of me. Not sure as you can tell, LOL.. I just always thought that by now Id have everyting figured out and be in that house of the hill. Have what I wanted. Guess the jokes on me. so now its be happy with what you do have, be thankful, be this be that. AHHHH! Why cant I just be me.. Whom ever that is, I havent seen her in years. sometimes it feels as if being married is like having parents all ove again. Be home at this hour, where you going, call me. UGH!!! But what if It was to all go away, then I guess Id really be bithing.

Random Thoughts

Sometimes I do things I cant explain
even though they cause you pain

I saw you standing in the pouring rain
wondering why I have no shame

It is the darkness inside my soul
fueled by memories beyond my control

I could never learn to trust you, afraid to give you my heart
I knew sooner or later I would be left alone in the dark

I gave you all I could, even sacrificed my youth
all the while feeling as if all of this was not the truth

so now its time to say goodbye
watching the memories float up to the sky
please please please don't you cry
as i let out my final sigh
and slowly but painlessly lay down to die.

Nikki Debevec-Owens

Disconnected

Last weekend we went back to Casper because Josh had some work to do there. We all went and stayed at a Hotel. Jayden went to Darlen's house. The kids loved swimming, and I the hot tub, till I looked and realized how filthy it was. YUCK! So something weird went on inside my head while we where there. I looked around the town and somehow felt disconnected to it. I cant explain it any better than that. Disconnected. Like is this truly where I want to end up? Is this where I want to be? In a way Casper felt like cemetery's end to me. Like if I go back there, that is where I will end up dying. Like this is my last chance to get the hell out of there. I mean it looked trashy and run down to me. I think I hold on to Casper because that is where Josh and I started our lives together, there were good times and bad. But everywhere I look there is a memory with us in it. Like almost 12 years ago we were up on Casper Mountain and we found this cool looking tree and we carved Josh-n-Nikki 4 Ever in it. Every year since we go back and look at it, the years of sap and weather have made it tarnished and black, but it is our tree, and the word are still there, we call it our love tree. It seems since we have been here, we have not made very many memories. Just us fighting, and debt that has us between a rock and a cliff. This place feels unhappy to me. We just have to find a way to make it work for all of us. Josh and I have been down some bumpy roads together, but this past 6 months has been the hardest time in our relationship. I have half of my things already packed and I refuse to put them back up. I don't want to stay here in this house, yet Im not sure that I truly want to go back to Casper. UGH I guess I feel disconnected from my life also. Disconnected from Josh. Things will never be the same, this is the choice we made and if I could take it back I would. But I can't so we will just have to find a way, someway, to make this work. There is nothing else. Where is my fairy Godmother when I need her?